Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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