I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
