Your tits are I can't wait for
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize