I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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