Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
