We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
