I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
