so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
