saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
