we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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