just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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