How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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