Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
