Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
