im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
