hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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