She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
