i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
tell me about the fingering
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