That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
