i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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