just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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