If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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