Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
