just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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