remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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