i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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