i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
