How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
