Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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