she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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