Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
