Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
