Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize