she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
