see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
