if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
