Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
