i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
