It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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