well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
