she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
