Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
