dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
