my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Randomize
