im having a threesome with these popsicles
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
