fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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