how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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