So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
