i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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