You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
