I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
