Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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