Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
