I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
