the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
