It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
