you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
