Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
