i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
