i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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