Acid is not a monday night drug
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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