Can i not drive my cunt home
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
