Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize