Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
